First week of my new job. And the verdict? I hate it!!

Why do I hate it? To be honest it's a load of reasons, each of them more stupid than the next. I don't like the fact I don't know what I'm meant to be doing (yes I know, I can learn). I don't like the way I don't know anyone (yes I know, I can meet people). I don't like the way I don't feel like I belong (yes I know, it's only been a week). I don't like the way that it's so different to my last job (yes I know, change is what I probably need). And finally, I don't like the way that I feel like I've made a massive mistake. I've entered this new opportunity with completely the wrong attitude. I actually think I've set out NOT to like this job, maybe becasuse it'll make me unhappy. Do I want to be unhappy? No, but doesn't stop me making myself unhappy!!

I'm not all depressed about it, I still feel better and better every day. He hasn't made an effort to speak to me, so I just have to keep reminding myself that that part of my life has passed, I have to let him move on, and move on myself. I went into work the other day to get some superglue (broke my shoe, very long and funny story!!!) and I really wanted to chat to him, just as mates, to see how he's doing, but it was hard. Things were awkward, and I expect they will be for a long time to come. I just want him to know that if he needs anyone or anything he knows where I am. I'm worried about him. To be honest, if he came to be now telling me that he loved this new girl , I think I could finally handle it. I've finally realised that I would want him as a mate than nothing. So if he needs anyone to sound off at, he knows where I am, even if it is to talk about her. He probably will never take me up on the offer, or think I'm taking the piss, but I don't want him to feel as though he's on his own. I always have worried about him, he gets some shit thrown his way a lot of the time, and I hate to think of him not having anyone to talk to. Don't get me wrong, I gave up my right to be his confident weeks ago, and I've probably been replaced. But do you want my truely honest answer? As long as he's got someone, I don't mind. And that my friends, I really do mean.

So as you can see, I still think about him, but the way my thoughts are heading have changed. I've gone past being bitter and asking 'what if', wishing i could take it all back. It was best for both of us that it finished, which he said all along, and I've finally come to realise it. As much as I loved him, sometimes it's jsut the wrong time, maybe at a different time, at a differnt place, things would have worked out differently, who knows?

As i said before I went into work the other day, and it was just nice to be there seeing all the other people. He wasn't the one I was always looking out for. I was there to say goodbye to even more friends that I'm leaving behind, and I won't lie, it did upset me a bit. I so far on't like my new job, and had to go to the place that I loved and say goodbye. But I did it, suppose that's a sign that I@m moving on?

As they say though, take each day as it comes, and things will get better. Just need to stop holding onto what I had and start thinking about what I could have.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr, I annoy myself at times!!!! I can't believe how up and down one person can be. One mnute I'm happy, I don't think about him, I don't care what he's up to, and I would want to be happy whatever he's doing and whoever he's doing it with. Then the next minute he's all I can think about, and I have uncontrollable urges to smack her in the face, and my stomach lurches when I think of him!!!! Arrgghhhhhh!!

Now, there's been a definite improvement, I spend a lot more time NOT thinking about him than thinking about him, but is it still normal after four weeks to still miss someone, or think about them and what they're doing? I mean I've said it before, I've never loved anyone before him, so all this splitting up thing is new to me. How long am I meant to miss him for? Two weeks? Two months? Two years?!?!

Honestly now though, depsite what I say on my bad days, I do want him to be happy. He still means enough to me for me to say that I want him to be truely happy in whatever he does (just a shame he doesn't want me involved in his plans anymore!!!)I know he won't read this, but I want to say it anyway......Lee I hope that whatever you do in your life, may it be now or in the future, I hpe it's want you want and it makes you happy. Despite everything I've ever said to you, I didn't mean any of it. I don't, never have, and never will hate you. You were, and still are, one of the best things that has ever happened to me. You made me feel special, and made me happy when I was sad. You listened to me when I moaned, and comforted me when I cried. I'm sorry, and always will be, for the way things turned out, i just wish I could turn back time and make everything better. What we had was amazing. Thankyou.

Start my new job on Monday, working for a finance company. Is it what I want to do? Probably not. Is it what I need though? Probably.

So I'm finally getting this new start I wanted, and I just hope it works. I'm going to make a vow not to get involved with anyone at work, past experience tells me it's just not a good idea! I've been off work now for two weeks, and I'm beginning to feel more like myself again. I relasied yesterday that I hadn't thought about him in what I thought was ages (it was probabloy about 24 hours!!) but it's start. Maybe it's showing that I'm finally getting on with my life.I've not harmed myself for about six days now, so fingers crossed that everything is looking up.

Went out at the weekend with a few people that I used to work with, and it hit me then just how much I'm going to miss them, but I've decided this doesn't have to be the end. I'll have days off, I can go in and see them all, and we all have phones so there's no excuse really!!

I'm going to go now, need to go shopping for office clothes.....I live in jeans and trainers!! Thanks for all the comments over the past few weeks, I think I'm finally coming through the other side

After three and a half years, I finally did it. I finally left my job. It still hasn't sunk in, even though I've not been in now for a week and a half. Still feels surreal, I've got no job, no way of getting any more money and I've left the one place that I was ever really happy over the past year. That place was just full of people I care about, and I think cared about me. But now I've lost the common ground that we shared and now I'm scared that I'm going to lose them all.

How do I feel in myself about the whole situation? To be honest, I really don't know. I'e been in a confused state of mind for the past few weeks now, now knowing what I want or need. Everything I once thought I needed, in the shape of just one man, changed overnight. I realised just how much I did need and want hium. He's still the first and lst thing I think about every single day. I still sit for hours,just remebering things we said to each other, or how he kissed me, or made me laugh. It's madnees it's jsut over four months from start to the bitter end of me leaving, but it feels like a lifetime. Most of all I miss talking to him. I miss having someone to laugh at, and who laughs at me. I miss having someone who can instantly tell whether I'm happy or not just by how I say 'hello' when I pick up the phone. I miss him.

The degree to which he's still a massive part of my life scares me, so I think the decision for me to leave has been the right one. I need to sort my life out, get myself back on track. In a way I need to reinvent myself around people that know nothing about me. They won't know about me, my family, my history, nothing. I think that's best. Maybe I need to change. Stop bein so weak and dependent on others. Stop latching onto anythng good that comes my way.

In a way I can't help but feelike I've fucked itup even more. I loved my job, and I'm sure I could have recaptured that. And now I will never see him again, and I have no idea whether that will make me get over him, or just make me ten times worse. I suppose the only thing I can say for sure is that only time will tell......

"My pride is all I have"

"Your pride is what you had babygirl, not what you have."

I've listened to this song loads and loads. Isn't it funny that I've only just noticed this line?

Right, everyone I'm holding my hands up, I've officially lost the plot now.
I'm not for one minute blaming this on everything that has happened over the past few weeks, but I do believe this has topped me over the edge.

I just keep crying randomly, I just have to be sat there, and I can help but feel sad. But what exactly am I feeling sad about? Is it about him not wanting me anymore? Is it about him wanting her? Is it about me doubting myself? Is it about my dad? Is it about the fact I really don't know if he's getting any better? Is it about my mum, about the fact she is actualy cracking up? Is it about my brother, who seems to get bad news after bad news? I have no idea guys, I can't pinpoint what I'm sad about, I can just say I'm sad.

This week has been a bad week, starting with me having a blazing row with 'her' infront of everyone at work. She called me a slag and accussed me of spreading rumours about her and him. I have never said anything to anyone about them, have just merely told her what everyone else has been sayin about them. Like I said earlier I do, or did, actually like her. And in a weird way I was still trying to protect him. I don't know why, but I was. People were talking about them, and the last thing I wanted was them, or rather him, getting caught out. Anyway, all the managers got dragged into it, and I was made to look like a gossiping trouble maker. Anyway, the day after I was speaking to him about swapping my day off. To cut a long story I wanted to swap my day off so I could a) go to the doctors and b) not be at home the day my dad went back in hospital. FAir? I thought so.

Anyway, in no uncertain terms he basically told me to fuck off, and he knew why I didn't want to be at home, but didn't care. He was using the fact that I didn't want to be at home, and was using it against me. He told me that what was going on in my home life wasn't his business anymore, and he didn't want to listen to my shit anymore. At this point I was crying, begging to swap my days off, but he just told me to stop the crying act, and he doesn't care, and I had to leave my shit at home and not bring it to work. Think that hurt more than anything hes ever said. More than when he said if I thought even if he did split up with his missues, he wouldn't want me anyway. And that point I just thought, "becky, you don't need this shit." So I handed my notice in there and then to the Assistant Manager, and walked out. And didn't turn up for work the day after.

I got a phone call that evening, asking mainly why wasn't I in work, then was told I had to go into work for a meeting with the manager. I promptly said "No". Only to be met with the response "well we're coming to your house then". Bearing in mind my mum and dad didnt knwo I'd handed my notice in, this was a bad idea, so in to work I went.

And what happened in work? I lost it. I completely lost it. Couldn't stop crying long enough to tell her what was wrong. My manager told me I had to go and see a counsellor. That's without even seeing the cuts all over my arms. Maybe she's right. I do need to see someone. So I'm currently having some time off ffrom work, trying to sort my head out, but I think it's going to take more than time off to fix whatever is broken with me.......

....fuck it up. He hates me, and who can blame him? I hate me right now, all he's trying to do is get on with is life, move on, and get over me, but there's me hanging on and hanging on, dragging him backwards whenever he tries to go forward. I'm sayint things to him, not because I mean them, but I'm hoping they'll hurt him. What kind of person does that make me. He's called me a 'stalker bitch', and hey, maybe he's right. When do people stop being cut up over someone, and start being a bunny boiler?

The girl is seeing, or trying to I don't know, is actually a mate of mine. I do really like her, she's a genuinely nice person who makes me giggle. I mdae the decision today that I'm not gonig to blame her for anything, she's done sod all wrong, and after all if anything is happening who I am to judge? She's just doing what I was doing.

I really miss him, not just sexually, but I miss the feeling that I know that there's someone who cares enough for me that they'll do anything to help me. I know that even after we split, he would have done anything for me, and now I've just demolished any chance of us even being civil to each other. That's me all over. Whenever I get a good thing, I grind away at it and grind away at it until it disappears, leaving me behind to feel sorry for myself. And who have I got to blame for it all? Noone but myself, that's who.

Another stupid thing that I've started doing again, is that I've started cutting myself again. I used to do this when I was younger, god knows why, they're probably right when they say it's a cry for attention. I've not done it in ages, but now, once the ride gets tough, out comes the fucking razor. The worst thing is is that I know what I'm doing is stupid. I know it's not going to help the situation, if anything it's going to make it ten times worse. I'm just embarrassed about how I've reacted over the whole situation. I'm just a mard arse crazy girl who won't let go of the past. I know he won't read this, but I jsut want to say it anyway. I'm so so so sorry.

I think I need help, but I feel far too sorry for myself to do anything about it.

Right, I'm officially fucked off with the whole lot of it. I can't believe I can go from one extreme to another within a matter of minutes. I was actually happy today in work, the first time in a while, and that was because we were mates. We'd had a chat, and decided we didn't want to throw away our friendship. Just being near him makes me happy, so it was all good. Then, BANG, he lies again. he's on the phone to her again. I know I'm not meant to be happy about it, because obviously I won't be, but I'll be dealing with this a whole lot better if he told me the score. If he let me know what was going on so I could at the very least prepare myself for what was going to happen. but no, he lies. I trust him. I find out he's lying. I don't like him again. It's a horrible circle, that's never going to end whilst we try to be friends. so that's it. For real this time. It's over. Friendship and all.

I'm confused. Too confused to say anythign more than that I'm confused!!!!

Well today he finally admitted that he is in fact seeing this girl. No surprise there then. I'm not going to admit that it doesn't hurt, because it does, it hurts like fuck. But more than hurt I suppose I feel anger, who the fuck is he to make me feel stupid?! Stupid fucker.

Good day at work, just got on with what I was meant to be doing. Annoyed him all day just by bein nice. Can't handle the fact thatI don't give a shit about him anymore. Needs everyone to like him. Well I've got news for him. I like poking myself in the eye more than I like him. I don't need or want him in my life.

Next plan? Do I fuck his life up? I'm pretty sure I can make things very difficult for him, but is it worth it? Please, anyone with advice, I'd happily welcome it!