The secret life of me

That's the question I've been asking myself over the past few days. From the moment I get up to the moment I get up he's all I think about. Whenever anyone said that I always thought they were exaggerating, and couldn't understand how people could think about someone that much, but now I can. And that what scares me.

So what's happened since I last wrote? Well things are feeling quite heavy, despite the fact that we have not yet had sex. We've been very close, don't get me wrong, and if it wasn't for the amount of people around (given that we are in work) I'm sure we would have. Get a very strong feeling though that it's not far around the corner though. When this first seemed like it was about to start I just thought it was going to be a bit of fun, but over the past week I've began to have some serious doubts over whether that's all it is. For starters, can't believe it's only been a week! All the sneaking around that we're doing already makes it feel like it's been a lot longer. He's changed his phone to pre pay so my number can't be traced on his bill, changed my number to 'Tony' in his phone, and we make sure we're not caught talking to one another too much. He's told his wife about how sweet he thinks I am, in a 'awwwww, sweet little sister type of way' to throw her off the scent apparently, and is sure to laugh when people make jokes about me (happens quite a bit, am prone to making a few dizzy comments!). Everytime I see him I want to smile, and I am constantly looking at my watch when he's on his breaks, counting the time until he's back. He makes me laugh, and even if I've been giving him a blowjob just moments before we still manage to take the piss out of each other and feel totally at ease with one another. There's not been any awkwardness, not even the day after he sent me a picture of his hard on.

Now I'm not saying I'm falling head over heels in love with him, but I'm sure I'm not. Have never been totally 'in love' so am hoping that what I'm feeling isn't the start of it all. All I need right now is that! What I do know is that my constant need to be around him, to see him, speak to him, touch him, kiss him and be touched by him is begining to scare me. It's scaring me alot.

Another thing that made me think this is turning into a very bad situation is that was sat next to him today when his wife phoned. That didn't bother me, but what did make my stomach twist was when he finished the conversation by saying, 'Ok babe, see you later. Love you.' I shouldn't be having a feeling in my stomach like I've just been dropped ten feet when he tells his wife he loves her. Isn't that a normal thing for a husband to say to his wife? Course it is. Need to get a grip, and I need to get a grip now. Writing all this all down has just made me realise that this is no longer no strings. What the fuck am I going to do?

Right, I think there's no doubt that tomorrow we are going to have sex. It's just going to happen. Went on a girlie night out on friday, and before I'd even finished my first drink I got a message sayin 'I miss you.' You know when you get that feeling, where your heart does that funny beat thing, and no matter how hard you try you can't help but smile?! It happened to me then, and all I could think was 'shit'.

As the night went on the texts got ruder and ruder, and I got more and more turned on. Everytime I thought of the things that I wanted to do to him, I had to remind myself that I coulnd't go round to his house right there and then because he has a wife. Everytime I think of him, I get this surge of guilt because of what we are doing. And I think about him a lot. To be honest I don't think this whole situation is a good idea, because I'm afraid I won't be able to keep it no strings sex. By all means that'll be my intentions, but I have a horrible feeling that I'm going to fall for him. I just know I will, and that's where things will go from bad to worse....

Well today's the day that looks as though the ball has been set rolling. We kissed. This has been building up and building up for days, maybe even weeks, so really it was inevitable. There's just so much sexual tension between the pair of us that something just had to happen. Even though in a way it was expected, it still took me by surprise. As he leant in I just htought 'this is it. This is the moment that's gonna kick it all off and throw us both into very dangerous teritory.' Did it stop be though? Did it balls.

So we kissed. Several times in fact, and if it wasn't for the fact that they're were so many other managers about I'm certain it would have gone further, and without doubt very soon it will. This is where I'm sure all the self doubt will kick in. What if I'm absolutely awful in bed (never had complaints before but there's a first for everything!)? I'll always be thinking he'll be laughin about it with his mates, or telling people I work with things they definitley shouldn't know! But when I think about these to try and convince myself, all I think is that I trust him not to. And i must trust him in order to start thiskind of relationship, and I'm hoping he'll trust me to keep quiet too.

If things go wrong, then will we be able to go back to working together? Will it be amicable? Will I hate him, or will he hate me? every day I'll be faced with having to take orders from him, listen to him and do as he says. I just hope that it doesn't get to a stage where I find that too difiicult.

So far I've been looking at this from a very one sided way, when in fact it's very far from. I've been talking about my worries, when in fact the guy stands to lose a lot more than me. For starters he has a family, including his boys. He has a morgage, and a managerial job. He could, or probably WOULD, lose his job. His life could quite literally fall apart if all this goes wrong, and I don't want to be the cause of all this. But still I can't say no.

Trying to suss out what's the driving force behind all this, but so far am stumped. It's definitley not that I can see they're being any future in our relationship, because I can't. It's not that I'm gettin some kick out of trying to bed someone else's guy, because I do feel awful. I've got nothing to gain (apart from maybe lots of sex?!) but lots to lose. Despite all of this it seems this guy has some hold over me that I just can't seem to break free of......

Right, I know this is only my second posting, but this is one of the main things happening in my life at the moment. I am on the verge on becoming a mistress!! Yes, I know, it sounds seedy and it's immoral, but like the title suggests, I just can't see a way out of it. Before I'm judged (maybe rightly, maybe wrongly) I would just like to try and justify the whole situation. As a single girl some may argue that I'm doing nothing wrong, but I know myself, deep down that I am. I know the guy is in a relationship (very serious one but this will be discussed later) and that in it's self should put me off, and for two years it did. Two years I've never told anyone about the massive soft spot I've got for him, and I've seen him become involved with my mate (yes, he's strayed before...)and heard far more details that I should of. Everytime I knew they were up to something just made me angry, and I convinced this guy that it was the moral highground that I was taking and that I was pissed off with him because of what he was doing was wrong. I'm sure that that was part of the reason that annoyed me, as no doubt I'll be angry with myself in the months to follow, but I know a large part was jealousy. And still I did nor said anything.

I always presumed he saw me as a little sister type, (he's thirty four and I'm nineteen) and that automatically wipes you out of his mind in any sexual nature, and I'm sure for the majority of the three years that I've known him I was only the little sister at work. (yes we work together, and yes he's my boss. Can this get any more textbook?!) But this all seemed to change a few months ago when I found out he knew more about me than I thought...

About eight months ago, I went out with the mate who was involved with the guy, and we got royally pissed. We were absolutely off our faces! And if alcohol does anything it's give you dutch courage. We ended up hooking up witha couple of guys, one thing leads to another and I end up being filmed on someone's camera with my legs somewhere up near my head and being banged by some guy! ( No doubt we'll get into this story at a later date) This will all be relevant in a sec...

We were just talking and next minute he was holding his camera phone to me, which was my cue to hide behind my hands - never one for photos, and when out of the blue he just says...

'What's wrong Bex, thought you liked being filmed?'

And I was just like 'oh my god' as everything clicked. Cue blushing and him laughing, with the guy simply saying 'hey, I'm not one to judge. I think it's quite cool.' And from that span a conversation as to how hethinks I'm a bit rum, and tryin to get details out of me! It wasn't until later that night that it hit me, we had been talking in a very un-sisterly like way.

That conversation seemed to break the boundaries between the pair of us, and we spent more and more time discussing sex. At this point things had finished between him and my friend, so that was a hot talking point for a while, me wanting to know but not wanting to know at the same time. from these conversations I gathered that he was, and still is, very unhappy with his home life, but is reluctant to do anything about it because of the extent to which he loves his kids. (yes he has kids, it just keep sgetting worse i know!) He adores his kids, and I mean truely dotes on them. This is why nothing will ever come of this whole situation, so why am I even considering this? I keep asking myself that very same question.