Well today's the day that looks as though the ball has been set rolling. We kissed. This has been building up and building up for days, maybe even weeks, so really it was inevitable. There's just so much sexual tension between the pair of us that something just had to happen. Even though in a way it was expected, it still took me by surprise. As he leant in I just htought 'this is it. This is the moment that's gonna kick it all off and throw us both into very dangerous teritory.' Did it stop be though? Did it balls.

So we kissed. Several times in fact, and if it wasn't for the fact that they're were so many other managers about I'm certain it would have gone further, and without doubt very soon it will. This is where I'm sure all the self doubt will kick in. What if I'm absolutely awful in bed (never had complaints before but there's a first for everything!)? I'll always be thinking he'll be laughin about it with his mates, or telling people I work with things they definitley shouldn't know! But when I think about these to try and convince myself, all I think is that I trust him not to. And i must trust him in order to start thiskind of relationship, and I'm hoping he'll trust me to keep quiet too.

If things go wrong, then will we be able to go back to working together? Will it be amicable? Will I hate him, or will he hate me? every day I'll be faced with having to take orders from him, listen to him and do as he says. I just hope that it doesn't get to a stage where I find that too difiicult.

So far I've been looking at this from a very one sided way, when in fact it's very far from. I've been talking about my worries, when in fact the guy stands to lose a lot more than me. For starters he has a family, including his boys. He has a morgage, and a managerial job. He could, or probably WOULD, lose his job. His life could quite literally fall apart if all this goes wrong, and I don't want to be the cause of all this. But still I can't say no.

Trying to suss out what's the driving force behind all this, but so far am stumped. It's definitley not that I can see they're being any future in our relationship, because I can't. It's not that I'm gettin some kick out of trying to bed someone else's guy, because I do feel awful. I've got nothing to gain (apart from maybe lots of sex?!) but lots to lose. Despite all of this it seems this guy has some hold over me that I just can't seem to break free of......