The secret life of me

"My pride is all I have"

"Your pride is what you had babygirl, not what you have."

I've listened to this song loads and loads. Isn't it funny that I've only just noticed this line?

Right, everyone I'm holding my hands up, I've officially lost the plot now.
I'm not for one minute blaming this on everything that has happened over the past few weeks, but I do believe this has topped me over the edge.

I just keep crying randomly, I just have to be sat there, and I can help but feel sad. But what exactly am I feeling sad about? Is it about him not wanting me anymore? Is it about him wanting her? Is it about me doubting myself? Is it about my dad? Is it about the fact I really don't know if he's getting any better? Is it about my mum, about the fact she is actualy cracking up? Is it about my brother, who seems to get bad news after bad news? I have no idea guys, I can't pinpoint what I'm sad about, I can just say I'm sad.

This week has been a bad week, starting with me having a blazing row with 'her' infront of everyone at work. She called me a slag and accussed me of spreading rumours about her and him. I have never said anything to anyone about them, have just merely told her what everyone else has been sayin about them. Like I said earlier I do, or did, actually like her. And in a weird way I was still trying to protect him. I don't know why, but I was. People were talking about them, and the last thing I wanted was them, or rather him, getting caught out. Anyway, all the managers got dragged into it, and I was made to look like a gossiping trouble maker. Anyway, the day after I was speaking to him about swapping my day off. To cut a long story I wanted to swap my day off so I could a) go to the doctors and b) not be at home the day my dad went back in hospital. FAir? I thought so.

Anyway, in no uncertain terms he basically told me to fuck off, and he knew why I didn't want to be at home, but didn't care. He was using the fact that I didn't want to be at home, and was using it against me. He told me that what was going on in my home life wasn't his business anymore, and he didn't want to listen to my shit anymore. At this point I was crying, begging to swap my days off, but he just told me to stop the crying act, and he doesn't care, and I had to leave my shit at home and not bring it to work. Think that hurt more than anything hes ever said. More than when he said if I thought even if he did split up with his missues, he wouldn't want me anyway. And that point I just thought, "becky, you don't need this shit." So I handed my notice in there and then to the Assistant Manager, and walked out. And didn't turn up for work the day after.

I got a phone call that evening, asking mainly why wasn't I in work, then was told I had to go into work for a meeting with the manager. I promptly said "No". Only to be met with the response "well we're coming to your house then". Bearing in mind my mum and dad didnt knwo I'd handed my notice in, this was a bad idea, so in to work I went.

And what happened in work? I lost it. I completely lost it. Couldn't stop crying long enough to tell her what was wrong. My manager told me I had to go and see a counsellor. That's without even seeing the cuts all over my arms. Maybe she's right. I do need to see someone. So I'm currently having some time off ffrom work, trying to sort my head out, but I think it's going to take more than time off to fix whatever is broken with me.......

....fuck it up. He hates me, and who can blame him? I hate me right now, all he's trying to do is get on with is life, move on, and get over me, but there's me hanging on and hanging on, dragging him backwards whenever he tries to go forward. I'm sayint things to him, not because I mean them, but I'm hoping they'll hurt him. What kind of person does that make me. He's called me a 'stalker bitch', and hey, maybe he's right. When do people stop being cut up over someone, and start being a bunny boiler?

The girl is seeing, or trying to I don't know, is actually a mate of mine. I do really like her, she's a genuinely nice person who makes me giggle. I mdae the decision today that I'm not gonig to blame her for anything, she's done sod all wrong, and after all if anything is happening who I am to judge? She's just doing what I was doing.

I really miss him, not just sexually, but I miss the feeling that I know that there's someone who cares enough for me that they'll do anything to help me. I know that even after we split, he would have done anything for me, and now I've just demolished any chance of us even being civil to each other. That's me all over. Whenever I get a good thing, I grind away at it and grind away at it until it disappears, leaving me behind to feel sorry for myself. And who have I got to blame for it all? Noone but myself, that's who.

Another stupid thing that I've started doing again, is that I've started cutting myself again. I used to do this when I was younger, god knows why, they're probably right when they say it's a cry for attention. I've not done it in ages, but now, once the ride gets tough, out comes the fucking razor. The worst thing is is that I know what I'm doing is stupid. I know it's not going to help the situation, if anything it's going to make it ten times worse. I'm just embarrassed about how I've reacted over the whole situation. I'm just a mard arse crazy girl who won't let go of the past. I know he won't read this, but I jsut want to say it anyway. I'm so so so sorry.

I think I need help, but I feel far too sorry for myself to do anything about it.

Right, I'm officially fucked off with the whole lot of it. I can't believe I can go from one extreme to another within a matter of minutes. I was actually happy today in work, the first time in a while, and that was because we were mates. We'd had a chat, and decided we didn't want to throw away our friendship. Just being near him makes me happy, so it was all good. Then, BANG, he lies again. he's on the phone to her again. I know I'm not meant to be happy about it, because obviously I won't be, but I'll be dealing with this a whole lot better if he told me the score. If he let me know what was going on so I could at the very least prepare myself for what was going to happen. but no, he lies. I trust him. I find out he's lying. I don't like him again. It's a horrible circle, that's never going to end whilst we try to be friends. so that's it. For real this time. It's over. Friendship and all.

I'm confused. Too confused to say anythign more than that I'm confused!!!!

Well today he finally admitted that he is in fact seeing this girl. No surprise there then. I'm not going to admit that it doesn't hurt, because it does, it hurts like fuck. But more than hurt I suppose I feel anger, who the fuck is he to make me feel stupid?! Stupid fucker.

Good day at work, just got on with what I was meant to be doing. Annoyed him all day just by bein nice. Can't handle the fact thatI don't give a shit about him anymore. Needs everyone to like him. Well I've got news for him. I like poking myself in the eye more than I like him. I don't need or want him in my life.

Next plan? Do I fuck his life up? I'm pretty sure I can make things very difficult for him, but is it worth it? Please, anyone with advice, I'd happily welcome it!

He said he loved me. He made me believe that he did love me. All I can say is, DID HE FUCK!!!!

Think today has been a bit of a turnaround day. I went round to a mate's house from work. Bearing in mind she doesn't have a clue that anything has ever happened between the two of us, it was a perfect opportunity for me to get all the gossip. Manipulative? I know. Anyway, she knew all about his playing around last time, so it all came out about what she knows about him and this new girl.

All I can think now is that I was stupid to fall for it. My eyes have been well and truely opened. Even when we were still 'together' it turns out he was texting her. All the time that we were 'together' he always promised that if we were no longer 'together' then he would never do anything with anyone else whilst I work there. All he's said to me since last monday was how he cant promise that nothing will happen with anyone else in the next THREE WEEKS!!! let alone ever!!! Bastard.

Anyway, part from the texting, they've been following each other around like shadows for the past week, and it was really, really, getting to me. Suppose it still is, but i'm going to fight it. Just over a week ago I put twenty pounds credit on his phone for him, thinking he would spend most of it on me. He ran out about three days later, and i must of had no more than twenty texts. He spent MY money on texting the other girl!! How rude is that?!! And he's still not given it me back. Fucker.

Sunday we were both in work, and I brought him in a drink. He jsut left it on the table and disappeared. turns out he was downstairs waiting for this other girl to come in. Answers on a postcard what they were doing for the twenty minutes between her getting in and anyone seeing them again?

I'm not going to pretend that I'm over him, because I'm not. But the main differnce from yesterday is that I don't WANT him anymore. He just played me for a fool. Clearly he didn't lvoe me, if less than a week he can start hitting on his next conquest?

Anyway, went into work today and retracted my notice. I've told them I want moving off his department, so I'm now going to work for my good friend Paul. I know that this can work for me. I'm not going to run away and leave a job that I once liked, just to get away from him. I'm going to get myself on track, get over him, and make something of my life. I've got enough shit happeneing in my life at the moment that I don't need to dwell on him. Let him do what the fuck he wants. Let's just hope that everything will one day come back and bite him on the arse. If we're very lucky, they'll both catch chlyamidia.

Hopefully, as the song says, "things can only get better."

Right, I'm not happy. There, I've admitted it. I think this whole rejection thing is just the straw that broke the camel's back. I'll start right back at the beginning, because I feel like I need to get a lot of things off my chest.....

Right suppose things started to go wrong just before christmas two years ago. It was three days before my eighteenth birthday, and my dad sat us all down and told us he has cancer. In just one sentence it felt as if my whole world had collapsed, because as soon as someone mentions the word cancer, you automatically think of death. You just can't help it. This isn't meant to happen to you is it? It's meant to happen to other people. Anyway, the hospital said they caught it early. There was no need to worry, he had a good prognosis and hopefully it'll have gone into remission by the following September. See, nothing to worry about?

Well, it's not the May AFTER the fateful September, and my dad is still getting made radioactive as humanly possible, and he found another lump in his arm. Now please, someone please tell me that there's nothing to worry about.

The thing about my family is that we don't talk. We didn't even know that there was anythign wrong with my dad before he got his diagnosis, and then BANG, he's got cancer. So to be honest, I spend more time than not worrying about the fact that anything could be happening and we wouldn't know until it was too late. Morbid I know, but can't help it.

I don't get on all that well with my family either, and if I could I'd spend all of my time away from home, which just makes me feel worse. Surely I should be at home supporting them all instead of running away and avoiding them all? Does that make me a bad daughter? A selfish sister? Answers on a postcard please.

Next, my borter isn't well. He got diagnosed with a kidney disease about two years ago, and has to go for regular check ups at the hospital. All was going well until Friday, when he went back, and they found increased levels of protein in his blood. This is a bad sign. Increased levels of protein are an indication that the kidneys are failing. If the kidneys fail he'll dialysis, and then a transplant. They're not saying that right now his kidneys are failing, but it doesn't look good. Add this to my dad, and my famil life is very stressful!!

Don't worry, I've not finished yet. August last year, one week before I flew out to Africa for a month to do some charity work, my grandad died. This left my nana on her own. Ever since my nana, my only living grandparent, has been in and out of hospital like a yo yo. This has made my mum almost crack under the pressure, and ultimately made her relationship with my dad disappear. Every morning I wake up to find my dad has slept on the sofa. He's not slpet in his bed for months and months and months. They're not together because they love each other. They're together because they can't afford to be apart. How fucking awful is that?

Right there's loads more that I could moan on about, but sure you lot are bored of listening, and my fingers hurt from typing!

Anyway, I'm getting more and more resentful, and angry, and short-tempered, the more shit that is thrown my way. Why is life so fucking unfair? And to top everything off, the man that I am so so so in love with doesn't want me anymore. He's wants someone else. And that hurts like fuck. Why does he want her not me? What can she give him that I can't? Is she prettier? Funnier? Sexier? Rejection at a time like this is bound to fuck anyone off, surely? Call me selfish, but I can't be near him when he's not mine. So i'm leaving work completely. I'm going to work my notice as holidays and lieu days. And he can have whoever he wants now,becasue not only does he deserve to, and have the right to, but because if I don't know,then it can't tear me apart.

Right it's official, I'm going to lose the plot. Was in work today, and it was the hardest day so far.

It's my own fault completely, so far I've been holding on and holding on for any signs that he might be breaking and get back with me, and it looks like I've just been misreading the signs. friday night he kissed me just before he was going home, and I know it wasn't a kiss kiss, but I just thought 'maybe this is the start?' Satruday comes, we're both back in work and it was fun. We had a right laugh especially towards the end of the night, where he's just trying his hardest to turn me on (need I say he succeeded?) and then right at the last minute he made it clear nothing was going to happen. And then, incase I hadn't totally got the message at this point (I hadn't!!) he sent me a message saying "you do know that nothing's going to happen again don't you?" And guess what I did? I cried. I think that only at that point did I finally realise tat it's over. I mean, i know I've said it's over but i don't think I ever thought myself that it truely was. WE've been split up before and got back together, so I suppose that I just assumed that this time would be the same.

I can't begin to explain how it felt, it was like we'd split up there and then, all over again. I was horrible Anyway, went into work today and as soon as I saw him I knew that today I had to stay out of his way. So I did, I spent all day doing what I was meant to be doing (for a change!)and didn't see him until the end of his shift. We barely spoke all day unless it was about work, which actually I felt quite relieved about. I didn't have to feel stupid about being turned down flat yesterday!! anyway what happened next was what made it the hardest day so far.

To cut a long story short, due to the fact that noone at work could know about us, we used to do this thing where we would both be within seeing distance of each other, and we'd phone each other. Sad i know, but it was a way that we could speak as openly as we wanted and if anyone overheard they'd only overhear one of us, and not both, if you get me? Anyway, I was walking towards him, and he was on the phone. I thought nothing of it until i looked across and see this girl we work with just metres away on the phone away. And they were both looking at each other. Like we used to do. I KNOW they were on the phone to each other coz as soon as I walked past I heard them both say bye simultaneously and put the phones down. Then guess what I did? Yup, that's right, I went and cried. And every time since I think about that split second in time I cry.

Now, you're probably all thinking that I'm just being an overjealous ex girlfriend and chances are that I probably am. But I know for a fact that she's after him, I've heard all about it, and I've read something that I shouldn't have about him wanting a piece of some girl at work who matches her description pefectly!!! I'm not saying that he can't see other people, who am I to judge? But that just cut me up. Suppose part of it is just I'm still struggling to come to terms with it. I still love him with all my heart. He's still all I think of. It's just hard for me to understand how he can be over me so quickly? I don't doubt that he didn't love me, maybe it's worse with me because he's the first and only person I've ever loved. They always say your first love is the worst, so I'd agree with them so far!!

Big up to him though for getting on with his life. It's ten times better than dwelling voer something you just can't have anymore. He's dealing with it, whearas I'm turning into some crazy stalker like person, who can't ever see a way of gettin over him. Tens times better indeed.

That's it, I've fucked it up now!!! even though it was me who called it a day, not one minute goes by when I don't regret doing it. I'd rather he'd be MINE for the few hours a week that he truely he is than not at all. I miss him so so so much. I mean we still speak, and flirt and stuff, but it's not the same. I have to stop myself reaching out to him when he's near to me, and to correct myself everytime I call him 'baby', and so far have just managed to bite my tongue just before I say 'I Love You'. Because I do. I love him so much it makes me want to cry when he walks away, going home, knowing that I'm not getting a goodbye kiss.

Antoehr thing that has made it worse is that yesterday I handed in my notice at work. You see there's two problems with that. 1) I'm never going to see him again after four weeks. I can't cope without speaking to him in a day, let alone not seeing him. 2) I don't actually have another job to go into. I have four weeks and counting in which to find another job.......oooops. The really sad thing is that I'm ten times more bothered about never seeing him again as to the fact I've got no job and no money.

It must seem really pathetic to anyone who reads this, as deep down I probably know myself it is, but he IS my whole world. He's all I want, and all I need. He's the only person i know who can me laughin minutes after I'm so annoyed with them I'll happily punch them. I'll forgive him for whatever he does, and do whatever I can to make him forgive me when i do things wrong.

So all in all I've concludded that if I could turn back time to monday, I would. And I wouldn't finsih it, and I wouldn't hand my notice in. I've just blabbed on about how much I need him inmy life, and now he's not I'm scared that I'm just not going to cope........

....is probably here. So much has left since I last wrote an entry on this, and I haven't kept as up to date as I should have, but I reckon you would have all got bored of hearing how happy he makes me! Despite this I told him today that I think it should finish. I don't want it to finish, but I really think I'm close to losing the plot. I'm getting so jealous over him, and overposseissve. I need to know where he is every minute of every day and who he is with. If hes not speaking ot me I want to know why, and I'm sick of looking at my phone every minute we're apart to see if he has text. He is my whole world at the moment, and thats not fair on me and its not fair on him. He needs his freedom, he doenst need two women in his life keeping tbs on him. an he's my boss, and I cant help but feel like I'm draggin him down past the professional level.

I really really do love him, but I cant do this anymore, for my sanity and his. I spend my whole life at the mo on the verge of fricking tears!! I just hope that we can stay mates, because right now he is my best mate in the whole world, and I know that if I ever need anythin off him He'll do all he can to help me.

Thanks for all the good times babe. Sorry. I love you x