Right it's official, I'm going to lose the plot. Was in work today, and it was the hardest day so far.

It's my own fault completely, so far I've been holding on and holding on for any signs that he might be breaking and get back with me, and it looks like I've just been misreading the signs. friday night he kissed me just before he was going home, and I know it wasn't a kiss kiss, but I just thought 'maybe this is the start?' Satruday comes, we're both back in work and it was fun. We had a right laugh especially towards the end of the night, where he's just trying his hardest to turn me on (need I say he succeeded?) and then right at the last minute he made it clear nothing was going to happen. And then, incase I hadn't totally got the message at this point (I hadn't!!) he sent me a message saying "you do know that nothing's going to happen again don't you?" And guess what I did? I cried. I think that only at that point did I finally realise tat it's over. I mean, i know I've said it's over but i don't think I ever thought myself that it truely was. WE've been split up before and got back together, so I suppose that I just assumed that this time would be the same.

I can't begin to explain how it felt, it was like we'd split up there and then, all over again. I was horrible :( Anyway, went into work today and as soon as I saw him I knew that today I had to stay out of his way. So I did, I spent all day doing what I was meant to be doing (for a change!)and didn't see him until the end of his shift. We barely spoke all day unless it was about work, which actually I felt quite relieved about. I didn't have to feel stupid about being turned down flat yesterday!! anyway what happened next was what made it the hardest day so far.

To cut a long story short, due to the fact that noone at work could know about us, we used to do this thing where we would both be within seeing distance of each other, and we'd phone each other. Sad i know, but it was a way that we could speak as openly as we wanted and if anyone overheard they'd only overhear one of us, and not both, if you get me? Anyway, I was walking towards him, and he was on the phone. I thought nothing of it until i looked across and see this girl we work with just metres away on the phone away. And they were both looking at each other. Like we used to do. I KNOW they were on the phone to each other coz as soon as I walked past I heard them both say bye simultaneously and put the phones down. Then guess what I did? Yup, that's right, I went and cried. And every time since I think about that split second in time I cry.

Now, you're probably all thinking that I'm just being an overjealous ex girlfriend and chances are that I probably am. But I know for a fact that she's after him, I've heard all about it, and I've read something that I shouldn't have about him wanting a piece of some girl at work who matches her description pefectly!!! I'm not saying that he can't see other people, who am I to judge? But that just cut me up. Suppose part of it is just I'm still struggling to come to terms with it. I still love him with all my heart. He's still all I think of. It's just hard for me to understand how he can be over me so quickly? I don't doubt that he didn't love me, maybe it's worse with me because he's the first and only person I've ever loved. They always say your first love is the worst, so I'd agree with them so far!!

Big up to him though for getting on with his life. It's ten times better than dwelling voer something you just can't have anymore. He's dealing with it, whearas I'm turning into some crazy stalker like person, who can't ever see a way of gettin over him. Tens times better indeed.