....fuck it up. He hates me, and who can blame him? I hate me right now, all he's trying to do is get on with is life, move on, and get over me, but there's me hanging on and hanging on, dragging him backwards whenever he tries to go forward. I'm sayint things to him, not because I mean them, but I'm hoping they'll hurt him. What kind of person does that make me. He's called me a 'stalker bitch', and hey, maybe he's right. When do people stop being cut up over someone, and start being a bunny boiler?
The girl is seeing, or trying to I don't know, is actually a mate of mine. I do really like her, she's a genuinely nice person who makes me giggle. I mdae the decision today that I'm not gonig to blame her for anything, she's done sod all wrong, and after all if anything is happening who I am to judge? She's just doing what I was doing.
I really miss him, not just sexually, but I miss the feeling that I know that there's someone who cares enough for me that they'll do anything to help me. I know that even after we split, he would have done anything for me, and now I've just demolished any chance of us even being civil to each other. That's me all over. Whenever I get a good thing, I grind away at it and grind away at it until it disappears, leaving me behind to feel sorry for myself. And who have I got to blame for it all? Noone but myself, that's who.
Another stupid thing that I've started doing again, is that I've started cutting myself again. I used to do this when I was younger, god knows why, they're probably right when they say it's a cry for attention. I've not done it in ages, but now, once the ride gets tough, out comes the fucking razor. The worst thing is is that I know what I'm doing is stupid. I know it's not going to help the situation, if anything it's going to make it ten times worse. I'm just embarrassed about how I've reacted over the whole situation. I'm just a mard arse crazy girl who won't let go of the past. I know he won't read this, but I jsut want to say it anyway. I'm so so so sorry.
I think I need help, but I feel far too sorry for myself to do anything about it.
