After three and a half years, I finally did it. I finally left my job. It still hasn't sunk in, even though I've not been in now for a week and a half. Still feels surreal, I've got no job, no way of getting any more money and I've left the one place that I was ever really happy over the past year. That place was just full of people I care about, and I think cared about me. But now I've lost the common ground that we shared and now I'm scared that I'm going to lose them all.

How do I feel in myself about the whole situation? To be honest, I really don't know. I'e been in a confused state of mind for the past few weeks now, now knowing what I want or need. Everything I once thought I needed, in the shape of just one man, changed overnight. I realised just how much I did need and want hium. He's still the first and lst thing I think about every single day. I still sit for hours,just remebering things we said to each other, or how he kissed me, or made me laugh. It's madnees it's jsut over four months from start to the bitter end of me leaving, but it feels like a lifetime. Most of all I miss talking to him. I miss having someone to laugh at, and who laughs at me. I miss having someone who can instantly tell whether I'm happy or not just by how I say 'hello' when I pick up the phone. I miss him.

The degree to which he's still a massive part of my life scares me, so I think the decision for me to leave has been the right one. I need to sort my life out, get myself back on track. In a way I need to reinvent myself around people that know nothing about me. They won't know about me, my family, my history, nothing. I think that's best. Maybe I need to change. Stop bein so weak and dependent on others. Stop latching onto anythng good that comes my way.

In a way I can't help but feelike I've fucked itup even more. I loved my job, and I'm sure I could have recaptured that. And now I will never see him again, and I have no idea whether that will make me get over him, or just make me ten times worse. I suppose the only thing I can say for sure is that only time will tell......