tag:bexster.blog.co.uk,2009-11-09:/MokoFeed2009-11-09T02:55:25+01:00tag:bexster.blog.co.uk,2006-06-16:/2006/06/16/end_of_week_one~887599/Bexstar2006-06-16T23:29:50+02:002006-06-16T23:29:50+02:00 <p>First week of my new job. And the verdict? I hate it!!</p> <p>Why do I hate it? To be honest it's a load of reasons, each of them more stupid than the next. I don't like the fact I don't know what I'm meant to be doing (yes I know, I can learn). I don't like the way I don't know anyone (yes I know, I can meet people). I don't like the way I don't feel like I belong (yes I know, it's only been a week). I don't like the way that it's so different to my last job (yes I know, change is what I probably need). And finally, I don't like the way that I feel like I've made a massive mistake. I've entered this new opportunity with completely the wrong attitude. I actually think I've set out NOT to like this job, maybe becasuse it'll make me unhappy. Do I want to be unhappy? No, but doesn't stop me making myself unhappy!!</p> <p>I'm not all depressed about it, I still feel better and better every day. He hasn't made an effort to speak to me, so I just have to keep reminding myself that that part of my life has passed, I have to let him move on, and move on myself. I went into work the other day to get some superglue (broke my shoe, very long and funny story!!!) and I really wanted to chat to him, just as mates, to see how he's doing, but it was hard. Things were awkward, and I expect they will be for a long time to come. I just want him to know that if he needs anyone or anything he knows where I am. I'm worried about him. To be honest, if he came to be now telling me that he loved this new girl , I think I could finally handle it. I've finally realised that I would want him as a mate than nothing. So if he needs anyone to sound off at, he knows where I am, even if it is to talk about her. He probably will never take me up on the offer, or think I'm taking the piss, but I don't want him to feel as though he's on his own. I always have worried about him, he gets some shit thrown his way a lot of the time, and I hate to think of him not having anyone to talk to. Don't get me wrong, I gave up my right to be his confident weeks ago, and I've probably been replaced. But do you want my truely honest answer? As long as he's got someone, I don't mind. And that my friends, I really do mean.</p> <p>So as you can see, I still think about him, but the way my thoughts are heading have changed. I've gone past being bitter and asking 'what if', wishing i could take it all back. It was best for both of us that it finished, which he said all along, and I've finally come to realise it. As much as I loved him, sometimes it's jsut the wrong time, maybe at a different time, at a differnt place, things would have worked out differently, who knows?</p> <p>As i said before I went into work the other day, and it was just nice to be there seeing all the other people. He wasn't the one I was always looking out for. I was there to say goodbye to even more friends that I'm leaving behind, and I won't lie, it did upset me a bit. I so far on't like my new job, and had to go to the place that I loved and say goodbye. But I did it, suppose that's a sign that <a href="mailto:I@m">I@m</a> moving on?</p> <p>As they say though, take each day as it comes, and things will get better. Just need to stop holding onto what I had and start thinking about what I could have. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bexster.blog.co.uk/2006/06/16/end_of_week_one~887599/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:bexster.blog.co.uk,2006-06-11:/2006/06/11/confused~871148/Bexstar2006-06-11T22:07:47+02:002006-06-11T22:07:47+02:00 <p>Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr, I annoy myself at times!!!! I can't believe how up and down one person can be. One mnute I'm happy, I don't think about him, I don't care what he's up to, and I would want to be happy whatever he's doing and whoever he's doing it with. Then the next minute he's all I can think about, and I have uncontrollable urges to smack her in the face, and my stomach lurches when I think of him!!!! Arrgghhhhhh!!</p> <p>Now, there's been a definite improvement, I spend a lot more time NOT thinking about him than thinking about him, but is it still normal after four weeks to still miss someone, or think about them and what they're doing? I mean I've said it before, I've never loved anyone before him, so all this splitting up thing is new to me. How long am I meant to miss him for? Two weeks? Two months? Two years?!?!</p> <p>Honestly now though, depsite what I say on my bad days, I do want him to be happy. He still means enough to me for me to say that I want him to be truely happy in whatever he does (just a shame he doesn't want me involved in his plans anymore!!!)I know he won't read this, but I want to say it anyway......Lee I hope that whatever you do in your life, may it be now or in the future, I hpe it's want you want and it makes you happy. Despite everything I've ever said to you, I didn't mean any of it. I don't, never have, and never will hate you. You were, and still are, one of the best things that has ever happened to me. You made me feel special, and made me happy when I was sad. You listened to me when I moaned, and comforted me when I cried. I'm sorry, and always will be, for the way things turned out, i just wish I could turn back time and make everything better. What we had was amazing. Thankyou. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bexster.blog.co.uk/2006/06/11/confused~871148/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:bexster.blog.co.uk,2006-06-06:/2006/06/06/new_start_monday~857211/Bexstar2006-06-06T10:51:34+02:002006-06-06T10:51:34+02:00 <p>Start my new job on Monday, working for a finance company. Is it what I want to do? Probably not. Is it what I need though? Probably.</p> <p>So I'm finally getting this new start I wanted, and I just hope it works. I'm going to make a vow not to get involved with anyone at work, past experience tells me it's just not a good idea! I've been off work now for two weeks, and I'm beginning to feel more like myself again. I relasied yesterday that I hadn't thought about him in what I thought was ages (it was probabloy about 24 hours!!) but it's start. Maybe it's showing that I'm finally getting on with my life.I've not harmed myself for about six days now, so fingers crossed that everything is looking up.</p> <p>Went out at the weekend with a few people that I used to work with, and it hit me then just how much I'm going to miss them, but I've decided this doesn't have to be the end. I'll have days off, I can go in and see them all, and we all have phones so there's no excuse really!!</p> <p>I'm going to go now, need to go shopping for office clothes.....I live in jeans and trainers!! Thanks for all the comments over the past few weeks, I think I'm finally coming through the other side <img src="/img/smilies/icon_smile.gif" alt=":)" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bexster.blog.co.uk/2006/06/06/new_start_monday~857211/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:bexster.blog.co.uk,2006-06-01:/2006/06/01/end_of_an_era~847605/Bexstar2006-06-01T23:07:00+02:002006-06-01T23:07:00+02:00 <p>After three and a half years, I finally did it. I finally left my job. It still hasn't sunk in, even though I've not been in now for a week and a half. Still feels surreal, I've got no job, no way of getting any more money and I've left the one place that I was ever really happy over the past year. That place was just full of people I care about, and I think cared about me. But now I've lost the common ground that we shared and now I'm scared that I'm going to lose them all.</p> <p>How do I feel in myself about the whole situation? To be honest, I really don't know. I'e been in a confused state of mind for the past few weeks now, now knowing what I want or need. Everything I once thought I needed, in the shape of just one man, changed overnight. I realised just how much I did need and want hium. He's still the first and lst thing I think about every single day. I still sit for hours,just remebering things we said to each other, or how he kissed me, or made me laugh. It's madnees it's jsut over four months from start to the bitter end of me leaving, but it feels like a lifetime. Most of all I miss talking to him. I miss having someone to laugh at, and who laughs at me. I miss having someone who can instantly tell whether I'm happy or not just by how I say 'hello' when I pick up the phone. I miss him.</p> <p>The degree to which he's still a massive part of my life scares me, so I think the decision for me to leave has been the right one. I need to sort my life out, get myself back on track. In a way I need to reinvent myself around people that know nothing about me. They won't know about me, my family, my history, nothing. I think that's best. Maybe I need to change. Stop bein so weak and dependent on others. Stop latching onto anythng good that comes my way.</p> <p>In a way I can't help but feelike I've fucked itup even more. I loved my job, and I'm sure I could have recaptured that. And now I will never see him again, and I have no idea whether that will make me get over him, or just make me ten times worse. I suppose the only thing I can say for sure is that only time will tell...... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bexster.blog.co.uk/2006/06/01/end_of_an_era~847605/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:bexster.blog.co.uk,2006-05-26:/2006/05/26/how_right~831970/Bexstar2006-05-26T22:50:43+02:002006-05-26T22:50:43+02:00 <p>"My pride is all I have"</p> <p>"Your pride is what you <strong>had</strong> babygirl, not what you have."</p> <p>I've listened to this song loads and loads. Isn't it funny that I've only just noticed this line? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bexster.blog.co.uk/2006/05/26/how_right~831970/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:bexster.blog.co.uk,2006-05-26:/2006/05/26/me_fucked_up_maybe~831931/Bexstar2006-05-26T22:29:38+02:002006-05-26T22:31:03+02:00 <p>Right, everyone I'm holding my hands up, I've officially lost the plot now.<br> I'm not for one minute blaming this on everything that has happened over the past few weeks, but I do believe this has topped me over the edge.</p> <p>I just keep crying randomly, I just have to be sat there, and I can help but feel sad. But what exactly am I feeling sad about? Is it about him not wanting me anymore? Is it about him wanting her? Is it about me doubting myself? Is it about my dad? Is it about the fact I really don't know if he's getting any better? Is it about my mum, about the fact she is actualy cracking up? Is it about my brother, who seems to get bad news after bad news? I have no idea guys, I can't pinpoint what I'm sad about, I can just say I'm sad.</p> <p>This week has been a bad week, starting with me having a blazing row with 'her' infront of everyone at work. She called me a slag and accussed me of spreading rumours about her and him. I have never said anything to anyone about them, have just merely told her what everyone else has been sayin about them. Like I said earlier I do, or did, actually like her. And in a weird way I was still trying to protect him. I don't know why, but I was. People were talking about them, and the last thing I wanted was them, or rather him, getting caught out. Anyway, all the managers got dragged into it, and I was made to look like a gossiping trouble maker. Anyway, the day after I was speaking to him about swapping my day off. To cut a long story I wanted to swap my day off so I could a) go to the doctors and b) not be at home the day my dad went back in hospital. FAir? I thought so.</p> <p>Anyway, in no uncertain terms he basically told me to fuck off, and he knew why I didn't want to be at home, but didn't care. He was using the fact that I didn't want to be at home, and was using it against me. He told me that what was going on in my home life wasn't his business anymore, and he didn't want to listen to my shit anymore. At this point I was crying, begging to swap my days off, but he just told me to stop the crying act, and he doesn't care, and I had to leave my shit at home and not bring it to work. Think that hurt more than anything hes ever said. More than when he said if I thought even if he did split up with his missues, he wouldn't want me anyway. And that point I just thought, "becky, you don't need this shit." So I handed my notice in there and then to the Assistant Manager, and walked out. And didn't turn up for work the day after.</p> <p>I got a phone call that evening, asking mainly why wasn't I in work, then was told I had to go into work for a meeting with the manager. I promptly said "No". Only to be met with the response "well we're coming to your house then". Bearing in mind my mum and dad didnt knwo I'd handed my notice in, this was a bad idea, so in to work I went.</p> <p>And what happened in work? I lost it. I completely lost it. Couldn't stop crying long enough to tell her what was wrong. My manager told me I had to go and see a counsellor. That's without even seeing the cuts all over my arms. Maybe she's right. I do need to see someone. So I'm currently having some time off ffrom work, trying to sort my head out, but I think it's going to take more than time off to fix whatever is broken with me.......</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bexster.blog.co.uk/2006/05/26/me_fucked_up_maybe~831931/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:bexster.blog.co.uk,2006-05-21:/2006/05/21/can_t_help_but~817948/Bexstar2006-05-21T19:18:02+02:002006-05-21T19:18:02+02:00 <p>....fuck it up. He hates me, and who can blame him? I hate me right now, all he's trying to do is get on with is life, move on, and get over me, but there's me hanging on and hanging on, dragging him backwards whenever he tries to go forward. I'm sayint things to him, not because I mean them, but I'm hoping they'll hurt him. What kind of person does that make me. He's called me a 'stalker bitch', and hey, maybe he's right. When do people stop being cut up over someone, and start being a bunny boiler? </p> <p>The girl is seeing, or trying to I don't know, is actually a mate of mine. I do really like her, she's a genuinely nice person who makes me giggle. I mdae the decision today that I'm not gonig to blame her for anything, she's done sod all wrong, and after all if anything is happening who I am to judge? She's just doing what I was doing.</p> <p>I really miss him, not just sexually, but I miss the feeling that I know that there's someone who cares enough for me that they'll do anything to help me. I know that even after we split, he would have done anything for me, and now I've just demolished any chance of us even being civil to each other. That's me all over. Whenever I get a good thing, I grind away at it and grind away at it until it disappears, leaving me behind to feel sorry for myself. And who have I got to blame for it all? Noone but myself, that's who.</p> <p>Another stupid thing that I've started doing again, is that I've started cutting myself again. I used to do this when I was younger, god knows why, they're probably right when they say it's a cry for attention. I've not done it in ages, but now, once the ride gets tough, out comes the fucking razor. The worst thing is is that I know what I'm doing is stupid. I know it's not going to help the situation, if anything it's going to make it ten times worse. I'm just embarrassed about how I've reacted over the whole situation. I'm just a mard arse crazy girl who won't let go of the past. I know he won't read this, but I jsut want to say it anyway. I'm so so so sorry.</p> <p>I think I need help, but I feel far too sorry for myself to do anything about it. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bexster.blog.co.uk/2006/05/21/can_t_help_but~817948/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:bexster.blog.co.uk,2006-05-19:/2006/05/19/two_sides_to_every_coin~813443/Bexstar2006-05-19T22:20:42+02:002006-05-19T22:20:42+02:00 <p>Right, I'm officially fucked off with the whole lot of it. I can't believe I can go from one extreme to another within a matter of minutes. I was actually happy today in work, the first time in a while, and that was because we were mates. We'd had a chat, and decided we didn't want to throw away our friendship. Just being near him makes me happy, so it was all good. Then, BANG, he lies again. he's on the phone to her again. I know I'm not meant to be happy about it, because obviously I won't be, but I'll be dealing with this a whole lot better if he told me the score. If he let me know what was going on so I could at the very least prepare myself for what was going to happen. but no, he lies. I trust him. I find out he's lying. I don't like him again. It's a horrible circle, that's never going to end whilst we try to be friends. so that's it. For real this time. It's over. Friendship and all. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bexster.blog.co.uk/2006/05/19/two_sides_to_every_coin~813443/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:bexster.blog.co.uk,2006-05-18:/2006/05/18/confused~810831/Bexstar2006-05-18T22:30:18+02:002006-05-18T22:30:18+02:00 <p>I'm confused. Too confused to say anythign more than that I'm confused!!!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bexster.blog.co.uk/2006/05/18/confused~810831/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:bexster.blog.co.uk,2006-05-17:/2006/05/17/how_right_was_i~808200/Bexstar2006-05-17T22:11:33+02:002006-05-17T22:11:33+02:00 <p>Well today he finally admitted that he is in fact seeing this girl. No surprise there then. I'm not going to admit that it doesn't hurt, because it does, it hurts like fuck. But more than hurt I suppose I feel anger, who the fuck is he to make me feel stupid?! Stupid fucker.</p> <p>Good day at work, just got on with what I was meant to be doing. Annoyed him all day just by bein nice. Can't handle the fact thatI don't give a shit about him anymore. Needs everyone to like him. Well I've got news for him. I like poking myself in the eye more than I like him. I don't need or want him in my life.</p> <p>Next plan? Do I fuck his life up? I'm pretty sure I can make things very difficult for him, but is it worth it? Please, anyone with advice, I'd happily welcome it! <img src="/img/smilies/icon_smile.gif" alt=":)" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bexster.blog.co.uk/2006/05/17/how_right_was_i~808200/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:bexster.blog.co.uk,2006-05-16:/2006/05/16/fuck_him~805254/Bexstar2006-05-16T21:35:10+02:002006-05-16T21:35:10+02:00 <p>He said he loved me. He made me believe that he did love me. All I can say is, DID HE FUCK!!!!</p> <p>Think today has been a bit of a turnaround day. I went round to a mate's house from work. Bearing in mind she doesn't have a clue that anything has ever happened between the two of us, it was a perfect opportunity for me to get all the gossip. Manipulative? I know. Anyway, she knew all about his playing around last time, so it all came out about what she knows about him and this new girl.</p> <p>All I can think now is that I was stupid to fall for it. My eyes have been well and truely opened. Even when we were still 'together' it turns out he was texting her. All the time that we were 'together' he always promised that if we were no longer 'together' then he would never do anything with anyone else whilst I work there. All he's said to me since last monday was how he cant promise that nothing will happen with anyone else in the next THREE WEEKS!!! let alone ever!!! Bastard.</p> <p>Anyway, part from the texting, they've been following each other around like shadows for the past week, and it was really, really, getting to me. Suppose it still is, but i'm going to fight it. Just over a week ago I put twenty pounds credit on his phone for him, thinking he would spend most of it on me. He ran out about three days later, and i must of had no more than twenty texts. He spent MY money on texting the other girl!! How rude is that?!! And he's still not given it me back. Fucker.</p> <p>Sunday we were both in work, and I brought him in a drink. He jsut left it on the table and disappeared. turns out he was downstairs waiting for this other girl to come in. Answers on a postcard what they were doing for the twenty minutes between her getting in and anyone seeing them again?</p> <p>I'm not going to pretend that I'm over him, because I'm not. But the main differnce from yesterday is that I don't WANT him anymore. He just played me for a fool. Clearly he didn't lvoe me, if less than a week he can start hitting on his next conquest?</p> <p>Anyway, went into work today and retracted my notice. I've told them I want moving off his department, so I'm now going to work for my good friend Paul. I know that this can work for me. I'm not going to run away and leave a job that I once liked, just to get away from him. I'm going to get myself on track, get over him, and make something of my life. I've got enough shit happeneing in my life at the moment that I don't need to dwell on him. Let him do what the fuck he wants. Let's just hope that everything will one day come back and bite him on the arse. If we're very lucky, they'll both catch chlyamidia.</p> <p>Hopefully, as the song says, "things can only get better." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bexster.blog.co.uk/2006/05/16/fuck_him~805254/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:bexster.blog.co.uk,2006-05-15:/2006/05/15/still_not_smiling~802723/Bexstar2006-05-15T22:21:00+02:002006-05-15T22:27:12+02:00 <p>Right, I'm not happy. There, I've admitted it. I think this whole rejection thing is just the straw that broke the camel's back. I'll start right back at the beginning, because I feel like I need to get a lot of things off my chest.....</p> <p>Right suppose things started to go wrong just before christmas two years ago. It was three days before my eighteenth birthday, and my dad sat us all down and told us he has cancer. In just one sentence it felt as if my whole world had collapsed, because as soon as someone mentions the word cancer, you automatically think of death. You just can't help it. This isn't meant to happen to you is it? It's meant to happen to other people. Anyway, the hospital said they caught it early. There was no need to worry, he had a good prognosis and hopefully it'll have gone into remission by the following September. See, nothing to worry about?</p> <p>Well, it's not the May AFTER the fateful September, and my dad is still getting made radioactive as humanly possible, and he found another lump in his arm. Now please, someone please tell me that there's nothing to worry about.</p> <p>The thing about my family is that we don't talk. We didn't even know that there was anythign wrong with my dad before he got his diagnosis, and then BANG, he's got cancer. So to be honest, I spend more time than not worrying about the fact that anything could be happening and we wouldn't know until it was too late. Morbid I know, but can't help it.</p> <p>I don't get on all that well with my family either, and if I could I'd spend all of my time away from home, which just makes me feel worse. Surely I should be at home supporting them all instead of running away and avoiding them all? Does that make me a bad daughter? A selfish sister? Answers on a postcard please.</p> <p>Next, my borter isn't well. He got diagnosed with a kidney disease about two years ago, and has to go for regular check ups at the hospital. All was going well until Friday, when he went back, and they found increased levels of protein in his blood. This is a bad sign. Increased levels of protein are an indication that the kidneys are failing. If the kidneys fail he'll dialysis, and then a transplant. They're not saying that right now his kidneys are failing, but it doesn't look good. Add this to my dad, and my famil life is very stressful!!</p> <p>Don't worry, I've not finished yet. August last year, one week before I flew out to Africa for a month to do some charity work, my grandad died. This left my nana on her own. Ever since my nana, my only living grandparent, has been in and out of hospital like a yo yo. This has made my mum almost crack under the pressure, and ultimately made her relationship with my dad disappear. Every morning I wake up to find my dad has slept on the sofa. He's not slpet in his bed for months and months and months. They're not together because they love each other. They're together because they can't afford to be apart. How fucking awful is that?</p> <p>Right there's loads more that I could moan on about, but sure you lot are bored of listening, and my fingers hurt from typing!</p> <p>Anyway, I'm getting more and more resentful, and angry, and short-tempered, the more shit that is thrown my way. Why is life so fucking unfair? And to top everything off, the man that I am so so so in love with doesn't want me anymore. He's wants someone else. And that hurts like fuck. Why does he want her not me? What can she give him that I can't? Is she prettier? Funnier? Sexier? Rejection at a time like this is bound to fuck anyone off, surely? Call me selfish, but I can't be near him when he's not mine. So i'm leaving work completely. I'm going to work my notice as holidays and lieu days. And he can have whoever he wants now,becasue not only does he deserve to, and have the right to, but because if I don't know,then it can't tear me apart.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bexster.blog.co.uk/2006/05/15/still_not_smiling~802723/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:bexster.blog.co.uk,2006-05-14:/2006/05/14/damn_it~799409/Bexstar2006-05-14T19:02:18+02:002006-05-14T19:33:35+02:00 <p>Right it's official, I'm going to lose the plot. Was in work today, and it was the hardest day so far.</p> <p>It's my own fault completely, so far I've been holding on and holding on for any signs that he might be breaking and get back with me, and it looks like I've just been misreading the signs. friday night he kissed me just before he was going home, and I know it wasn't a kiss kiss, but I just thought 'maybe this is the start?' Satruday comes, we're both back in work and it was fun. We had a right laugh especially towards the end of the night, where he's just trying his hardest to turn me on (need I say he succeeded?) and then right at the last minute he made it clear nothing was going to happen. And then, incase I hadn't totally got the message at this point (I hadn't!!) he sent me a message saying "you do know that nothing's going to happen again don't you?" And guess what I did? I cried. I think that only at that point did I finally realise tat it's over. I mean, i know I've said it's over but i don't think I ever thought myself that it truely was. WE've been split up before and got back together, so I suppose that I just assumed that this time would be the same.</p> <p>I can't begin to explain how it felt, it was like we'd split up there and then, all over again. I was horrible <img src="/img/smilies/icon_sad.gif" alt=":(" class="middle" border="0"> Anyway, went into work today and as soon as I saw him I knew that today I had to stay out of his way. So I did, I spent all day doing what I was meant to be doing (for a change!)and didn't see him until the end of his shift. We barely spoke all day unless it was about work, which actually I felt quite relieved about. I didn't have to feel stupid about being turned down flat yesterday!! anyway what happened next was what made it the hardest day so far.</p> <p>To cut a long story short, due to the fact that noone at work could know about us, we used to do this thing where we would both be within seeing distance of each other, and we'd phone each other. Sad i know, but it was a way that we could speak as openly as we wanted and if anyone overheard they'd only overhear one of us, and not both, if you get me? Anyway, I was walking towards him, and he was on the phone. I thought nothing of it until i looked across and see this girl we work with just metres away on the phone away. And they were both looking at each other. Like we used to do. I KNOW they were on the phone to each other coz as soon as I walked past I heard them both say bye simultaneously and put the phones down. Then guess what I did? Yup, that's right, I went and cried. And every time since I think about that split second in time I cry.</p> <p>Now, you're probably all thinking that I'm just being an overjealous ex girlfriend and chances are that I probably am. But I know for a fact that she's after him, I've heard all about it, and I've read something that I shouldn't have about him wanting a piece of some girl at work who matches her description pefectly!!! I'm not saying that he can't see other people, who am I to judge? But that just cut me up. Suppose part of it is just I'm still struggling to come to terms with it. I still love him with all my heart. He's still all I think of. It's just hard for me to understand how he can be over me so quickly? I don't doubt that he didn't love me, maybe it's worse with me because he's the first and only person I've ever loved. They always say your first love is the worst, so I'd agree with them so far!!</p> <p>Big up to him though for getting on with his life. It's ten times better than dwelling voer something you just can't have anymore. He's dealing with it, whearas I'm turning into some crazy stalker like person, who can't ever see a way of gettin over him. Tens times better indeed. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bexster.blog.co.uk/2006/05/14/damn_it~799409/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:bexster.blog.co.uk,2006-05-13:/2006/05/13/fucked_well_and_truely_up~797418/Bexstar2006-05-13T21:46:53+02:002006-05-13T21:46:53+02:00 <p>That's it, I've fucked it up now!!! even though it was me who called it a day, not one minute goes by when I don't regret doing it. I'd rather he'd be MINE for the few hours a week that he truely he is than not at all. I miss him so so so much. I mean we still speak, and flirt and stuff, but it's not the same. I have to stop myself reaching out to him when he's near to me, and to correct myself everytime I call him 'baby', and so far have just managed to bite my tongue just before I say 'I Love You'. Because I do. I love him so much it makes me want to cry when he walks away, going home, knowing that I'm not getting a goodbye kiss.</p> <p>Antoehr thing that has made it worse is that yesterday I handed in my notice at work. You see there's two problems with that. 1) I'm never going to see him again after four weeks. I can't cope without speaking to him in a day, let alone not seeing him. 2) I don't actually have another job to go into. I have four weeks and counting in which to find another job.......oooops. The really sad thing is that I'm ten times more bothered about never seeing him again as to the fact I've got no job and no money.</p> <p>It must seem really pathetic to anyone who reads this, as deep down I probably know myself it is, but he IS my whole world. He's all I want, and all I need. He's the only person i know who can me laughin minutes after I'm so annoyed with them I'll happily punch them. I'll forgive him for whatever he does, and do whatever I can to make him forgive me when i do things wrong.</p> <p>So all in all I've concludded that if I could turn back time to monday, I would. And I wouldn't finsih it, and I wouldn't hand my notice in. I've just blabbed on about how much I need him inmy life, and now he's not I'm scared that I'm just not going to cope........</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bexster.blog.co.uk/2006/05/13/fucked_well_and_truely_up~797418/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:bexster.blog.co.uk,2006-05-08:/2006/05/08/the_end~785479/Bexstar2006-05-08T23:04:10+02:002006-05-08T23:04:10+02:00 <p>....is probably here. So much has left since I last wrote an entry on this, and I haven't kept as up to date as I should have, but I reckon you would have all got bored of hearing how happy he makes me! Despite this I told him today that I think it should finish. I don't want it to finish, but I really think I'm close to losing the plot. I'm getting so jealous over him, and overposseissve. I need to know where he is every minute of every day and who he is with. If hes not speaking ot me I want to know why, and I'm sick of looking at my phone every minute we're apart to see if he has text. He is my whole world at the moment, and thats not fair on me and its not fair on him. He needs his freedom, he doenst need two women in his life keeping tbs on him. an he's my boss, and I cant help but feel like I'm draggin him down past the professional level.</p> <p>I really really do love him, but I cant do this anymore, for my sanity and his. I spend my whole life at the mo on the verge of fricking tears!! I just hope that we can stay mates, because right now he is my best mate in the whole world, and I know that if I ever need anythin off him He'll do all he can to help me.</p> <p>Thanks for all the good times babe. Sorry. I love you x </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bexster.blog.co.uk/2006/05/08/the_end~785479/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:bexster.blog.co.uk,2006-03-10:/2006/03/11/catch_up~631994/Bexstar2006-03-11T00:35:46+01:002006-05-13T21:37:07+02:00 <p>Right, I now it's been ages since I last updated but think I shuould get back into the swing of things.</p> <p>So what's happened since I last left you? We've had sex (well it would be rude not to) and it was, and has been, lots of fun!! But that's not the most important thing, it's offical, I love him, and he loves. He tells me alllllll the time that he loves me which makes me smile so so much, and I really really do love him. To start with I was skeptical, I've never reallt been in love with anyone before, so the feelings were very confusing at the begginning! Noone ever says it'll be like this, I always presumed it'd be like BANG!!! now I know I'm in love!! It wasn't like that though, it slowly creeped up on my, and took me completely by surprise.</p> <p>Now don't let me fooling you all into thinking this is a love match made in heaven, just yesterday we were on the verge of calling it a day. Actually I think for a while, it must have been over. you see one of the only problems we've come across so far is not the fact he's living with someone else, but infact has something to do with one of my friends. As you all know we work together, and one of the other managers is a very good mate of mine, someone which I think the world of, but unfortunately, he doesnt like this. I don't know why, because he's assured me he trusts me, but everytime I mention him, or speak to him, I can see the emotions building up in his face? And this has caused our only two rows.</p> <p>the first one wasn't that bad, with him saying he's going to get over it, an dI think it upset us both, but we got over it. But yesterday, boy did it blow up big time. It went through me beggin him not to finsih it, to him then begging me not to finsih it, then us both on the phone to each other at half twelve in the morning telling each other 'I love you'. Think if it would have ended last night I would have been devastated, ands ure at some point I'll disect the argument to you all sentence by sentence, but for the time being, I just was to push it into the past. The fact I was so close to losing him proved to me how much I need him, couldnt face not having him in my life.</p> <p>So what's the plan for the future? I really, honestly don't know. All I know is that I'm scared of the fact that soon being a part time girlfriend isn't going to be enough, and I know even now it's tearing me apart that I can't be with him every minute of every day, and he shares his bed with someone that isn't me. What I do know though is that I'll be sure to keep you all updated with the developments in the secret world of me!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bexster.blog.co.uk/2006/03/11/catch_up~631994/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:bexster.blog.co.uk,2006-02-04:/2006/02/04/he_loves_me_he_loves_me~535072/Bexstar2006-02-04T23:25:32+01:002006-02-04T23:25:32+01:00 <p>Oh my god, today he told me he loves me. Even I know that's not a good thing, despite how happy ot mae me when he said it. I don't know if he said it in the heat of the moment, we were in the middle of a VERY heavy snogging session when he siad it, and to start with he says 'I think I love you.' He thinks?! That was bad enough, but then he goes 'Bex, I do love you.' I didn't know what to say? Do I love him? I have no idea, but I do know I'm feeling something pretty strong. Suppose only time will tell what that something is.... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bexster.blog.co.uk/2006/02/04/he_loves_me_he_loves_me~535072/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:bexster.blog.co.uk,2006-02-03:/2006/02/03/he_misses_me~531879/Bexstar2006-02-03T19:15:40+01:002006-02-03T19:15:40+01:00 <p>Right everytime we're not together we're either on the phone, texting or chattin over the internet. and he tell me he misses me allll the time! What's confusing me is that I'm really missing him, as in REALY missing him. Every time I get a message from him my stomach lurches, and everytime I see him I can't help but smile. Is it wrong that he makes me so happy?</p> <p>We've been very close to getting caught fucking around this week, especially as we keep sneaking kisses on the hsop floor. (note to self: this is not a good idea when you've got customers walking around!!) Is it only a matter of time until we do?</p> <p>Tomorrow is the day it's going to happen, he's the only manager in the shop after 3, and we're both on til late. To say I can't wait to finally fuck him is n understatement, I just hope that I don't get any more hung up on him than I already am. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bexster.blog.co.uk/2006/02/03/he_misses_me~531879/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:bexster.blog.co.uk,2006-01-31:/2006/02/01/too_much_too_fast~524007/Bexstar2006-02-01T00:06:32+01:002006-02-01T00:09:32+01:00 <p>That's the question I've been asking myself over the past few days. From the moment I get up to the moment I get up he's all I think about. Whenever anyone said that I always thought they were exaggerating, and couldn't understand how people could think about someone that much, but now I can. And that what scares me.</p> <p>So what's happened since I last wrote? Well things are feeling quite heavy, despite the fact that we have not yet had sex. We've been very close, don't get me wrong, and if it wasn't for the amount of people around (given that we are in work) I'm sure we would have. Get a very strong feeling though that it's not far around the corner though. When this first seemed like it was about to start I just thought it was going to be a bit of fun, but over the past week I've began to have some serious doubts over whether that's all it is. For starters, can't believe it's only been a week! All the sneaking around that we're doing already makes it feel like it's been a lot longer. He's changed his phone to pre pay so my number can't be traced on his bill, changed my number to 'Tony' in his phone, and we make sure we're not caught talking to one another too much. He's told his wife about how sweet he thinks I am, in a 'awwwww, sweet little sister type of way' to throw her off the scent apparently, and is sure to laugh when people make jokes about me (happens quite a bit, am prone to making a few dizzy comments!). Everytime I see him I want to smile, and I am constantly looking at my watch when he's on his breaks, counting the time until he's back. He makes me laugh, and even if I've been giving him a blowjob just moments before we still manage to take the piss out of each other and feel totally at ease with one another. There's not been any awkwardness, not even the day after he sent me a picture of his hard on.</p> <p>Now I'm not saying I'm falling head over heels in love with him, but I'm sure I'm not. Have never been totally 'in love' so am hoping that what I'm feeling isn't the start of it all. All I need right now is that! What I do know is that my constant need to be around him, to see him, speak to him, touch him, kiss him and be touched by him is begining to scare me. It's scaring me alot.</p> <p>Another thing that made me think this is turning into a very bad situation is that was sat next to him today when his wife phoned. That didn't bother me, but what did make my stomach twist was when he finished the conversation by saying, 'Ok babe, see you later. Love you.' I shouldn't be having a feeling in my stomach like I've just been dropped ten feet when he tells his wife he loves her. Isn't that a normal thing for a husband to say to his wife? Course it is. Need to get a grip, and I need to get a grip now. Writing all this all down has just made me realise that this is no longer no strings. What the fuck am I going to do? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bexster.blog.co.uk/2006/02/01/too_much_too_fast~524007/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:bexster.blog.co.uk,2006-01-29:/2006/01/29/the_early_signs_are_bad_very_bad_indeed~517629/Bexstar2006-01-29T21:58:39+01:002006-01-29T21:58:39+01:00 <p>Right, I think there's no doubt that tomorrow we are going to have sex. It's just going to happen. Went on a girlie night out on friday, and before I'd even finished my first drink I got a message sayin 'I miss you.' You know when you get that feeling, where your heart does that funny beat thing, and no matter how hard you try you can't help but smile?! It happened to me then, and all I could think was 'shit'.</p> <p>As the night went on the texts got ruder and ruder, and I got more and more turned on. Everytime I thought of the things that I wanted to do to him, I had to remind myself that I coulnd't go round to his house right there and then because he has a wife. Everytime I think of him, I get this surge of guilt because of what we are doing. And I think about him a lot. To be honest I don't think this whole situation is a good idea, because I'm afraid I won't be able to keep it no strings sex. By all means that'll be my intentions, but I have a horrible feeling that I'm going to fall for him. I just know I will, and that's where things will go from bad to worse.... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bexster.blog.co.uk/2006/01/29/the_early_signs_are_bad_very_bad_indeed~517629/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:bexster.blog.co.uk,2006-01-25:/2006/01/26/the_start_of_it_all~506296/Bexstar2006-01-26T00:11:33+01:002006-01-26T00:11:33+01:00 <p>Well today's the day that looks as though the ball has been set rolling. We kissed. This has been building up and building up for days, maybe even weeks, so really it was inevitable. There's just so much sexual tension between the pair of us that something just had to happen. Even though in a way it was expected, it still took me by surprise. As he leant in I just htought 'this is it. This is the moment that's gonna kick it all off and throw us both into very dangerous teritory.' Did it stop be though? Did it balls.</p> <p>So we kissed. Several times in fact, and if it wasn't for the fact that they're were so many other managers about I'm certain it would have gone further, and without doubt very soon it will. This is where I'm sure all the self doubt will kick in. What if I'm absolutely awful in bed (never had complaints before but there's a first for everything!)? I'll always be thinking he'll be laughin about it with his mates, or telling people I work with things they definitley shouldn't know! But when I think about these to try and convince myself, all I think is that I trust him not to. And i must trust him in order to start thiskind of relationship, and I'm hoping he'll trust me to keep quiet too.</p> <p>If things go wrong, then will we be able to go back to working together? Will it be amicable? Will I hate him, or will he hate me? every day I'll be faced with having to take orders from him, listen to him and do as he says. I just hope that it doesn't get to a stage where I find that too difiicult.</p> <p>So far I've been looking at this from a very one sided way, when in fact it's very far from. I've been talking about my worries, when in fact the guy stands to lose a lot more than me. For starters he has a family, including his boys. He has a morgage, and a managerial job. He could, or probably WOULD, lose his job. His life could quite literally fall apart if all this goes wrong, and I don't want to be the cause of all this. But still I can't say no.</p> <p>Trying to suss out what's the driving force behind all this, but so far am stumped. It's definitley not that I can see they're being any future in our relationship, because I can't. It's not that I'm gettin some kick out of trying to bed someone else's guy, because I do feel awful. I've got nothing to gain (apart from maybe lots of sex?!) but lots to lose. Despite all of this it seems this guy has some hold over me that I just can't seem to break free of......</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bexster.blog.co.uk/2006/01/26/the_start_of_it_all~506296/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:bexster.blog.co.uk,2006-01-24:/2006/01/24/i_know_it_s_wrong_but_i_just_can_t_seem_~502536/Bexstar2006-01-24T19:57:54+01:002006-01-24T19:57:54+01:00 <p>Right, I know this is only my second posting, but this is one of the main things happening in my life at the moment. I am on the verge on becoming a mistress!! Yes, I know, it sounds seedy and it's immoral, but like the title suggests, I just can't see a way out of it. Before I'm judged (maybe rightly, maybe wrongly) I would just like to try and justify the whole situation. As a single girl some may argue that I'm doing nothing wrong, but I know myself, deep down that I am. I know the guy is in a relationship (very serious one but this will be discussed later) and that in it's self should put me off, and for two years it did. Two years I've never told anyone about the massive soft spot I've got for him, and I've seen him become involved with my mate (yes, he's strayed before...)and heard far more details that I should of. Everytime I knew they were up to something just made me angry, and I convinced this guy that it was the moral highground that I was taking and that I was pissed off with him because of what he was doing was wrong. I'm sure that that was part of the reason that annoyed me, as no doubt I'll be angry with myself in the months to follow, but I know a large part was jealousy. And still I did nor said anything.</p> <p>I always presumed he saw me as a little sister type, (he's thirty four and I'm nineteen) and that automatically wipes you out of his mind in any sexual nature, and I'm sure for the majority of the three years that I've known him I was only the little sister at work. (yes we work together, and yes he's my boss. Can this get any more textbook?!) But this all seemed to change a few months ago when I found out he knew more about me than I thought...</p> <p>About eight months ago, I went out with the mate who was involved with the guy, and we got royally pissed. We were absolutely off our faces! And if alcohol does anything it's give you dutch courage. We ended up hooking up witha couple of guys, one thing leads to another and I end up being filmed on someone's camera with my legs somewhere up near my head and being banged by some guy! ( No doubt we'll get into this story at a later date) This will all be relevant in a sec...</p> <p>We were just talking and next minute he was holding his camera phone to me, which was my cue to hide behind my hands - never one for photos, and when out of the blue he just says...</p> <p>'What's wrong Bex, thought you liked being filmed?'</p> <p>And I was just like 'oh my god' as everything clicked. Cue blushing and him laughing, with the guy simply saying 'hey, I'm not one to judge. I think it's quite cool.' And from that span a conversation as to how hethinks I'm a bit rum, and tryin to get details out of me! It wasn't until later that night that it hit me, we had been talking in a very un-sisterly like way.</p> <p>That conversation seemed to break the boundaries between the pair of us, and we spent more and more time discussing sex. At this point things had finished between him and my friend, so that was a hot talking point for a while, me wanting to know but not wanting to know at the same time. from these conversations I gathered that he was, and still is, very unhappy with his home life, but is reluctant to do anything about it because of the extent to which he loves his kids. (yes he has kids, it just keep sgetting worse i know!) He adores his kids, and I mean truely dotes on them. This is why nothing will ever come of this whole situation, so why am I even considering this? I keep asking myself that very same question. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bexster.blog.co.uk/2006/01/24/i_know_it_s_wrong_but_i_just_can_t_seem_~502536/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>